Airports

So I am sitting at Frankfurt Airport and writing this blog post. It is ridiculously humid here. My flight was almost one hour early and the last time it was an hour late. I guess that’s the difference between flying in the middle of the summer and middle of winter.  So I have now four hours to kill not three. I still can’t find the so called “Starbucks” that is supposed to be located on level 2 of terminal B. There isn’t any souvenir shop and the Tiffany & CO is coming soon. Despite all this, Frankfurt is still my number one transit airport. People are not extremely rude like Heathrow and people can speak English unlike the Narita International Airport. And there are little boxes you can go and a smoke. Downside of this airport, have to pay for Wi-Fi. That’s pretty much all airport except Pearson (which is so slow and it does not connect!).

This trip is making me wish that I had the option of taking this trip in August, which would have given me the time to enjoy at least one European country for minimum a week. But if you are close to me you know the reason for doing this very short trip in June.  I have only been to five countries so far: Malaysia, Singapore, Bangladesh, Saudi Arabia, and Canada. And lived a significant amount of time in three of them.  Not sure if this makes me very “worldly”. I know people who have been to less countries than that and people who have been to tons more. I am hoping to cross of some European countries in a year (more precisely next summer) and eventually more of the Middle East.

This time, the flight did not kill me. I guess being sleep deprived and writing an exam the day before an almost 13 hours on air does have a toll on you. The interesting factor about this flight is that most people worry about a screaming child on aboard. There were a couple of infants on board but not a sound. Instead I had a screaming old Indian couple sitting behind me! And even if tried to sleep, I was waken every 15 minutes cause of this man! I mean how many times can you ask someone to be quite?  Hoping the next flight will be empty and I can get some sleep. I am too scared to sleep now at the Frankfurt Airport Leisure Zone. I am scared that I will miss my connecting.

Anyways until next time...

XOXO

To forgive is to move forward.

So instead of studying, I was watching a very crappy Lindsay Lohan movie late Saturday night, Georgia Rule. The movie is very lame but one of dialogs really stuck to me.

“Anybody can do anything to anyone...you can't stop what's being done to you...you can only survive it.”  - Rachel Wilcox 

That’s a very deep dialog for the very crappy movie.  

What Rachel said is true. We can’t control what others do to us. You can only control your actions. You can choose to be most pleasant person in the world to them but how they treat you is their own choice. You can either choose to take revenge on their actions or you can choose to survive it.

Mahatma Gandhi said “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.” If we all choose to take revenge on who have hurt us, and we will be walking around with nothing but bitter feelings, anger, pain, and maybe even with a hurting broken heart.  A heart fill with anger have no room for love. – unknown

I know it’s easier said than done. But how we survive what is done to us? From experience, I have seen at the heat of the hurt, we say a lot of things we don’t really mean. This usually starts a chain reaction verbal abuse and we usually end up forgetting what the main problem is. And once those emotional starts to flair, we say a lot of things we don’t mean. Words are something, once said can never be taken back. And this can be very damaging if you are trying to maintain a long term relationship with that person. I think the best way to deal with things is after a cooling off period, a civil conversation. But everybody isn’t civil. Le sigh.

So what happens after that? Do we forgive and survive what is done to us?

Can we really forgive someone who hurt the very core of your soul and scared you as a person?

Another deep dialogue from Georgia Rule:  “To forgive is to move forward. Georgia rule” - Lilly

So you just try to survive what is done to you and try harder to move forward. 

And when or how do you know that you have moved forward? Is it when you can have a civil conversation with the person without any emotion flaring? When I say emotions, I mean it can be either anger or romantic.

Alright, so you have survived and moved forward. But did you really forgive the person? Like I have mentioned above how can forgive someone who have changed the very core of you who you are as a person. I think all of us have this misconception that forgiveness and forgetting goes hand in hand.  If we did not forget it means we still haven’t forgiven. And with time, we will forget, our wounds will heal, and we will forget what is done to us.

But Rose Kennedy once said “It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue, and the pain lessens, but it is never gone”

Honestly, I don’t know what I am trying to say here. You can’t control what is done to you. What others do to you is their karma. You can just try to survive it and move forward. With time, the pain will lessen but you will never be the same again.  

It Takes Two to Tango

Follow up on more thoughts from the previous post: I am Liesl.

Definition of stupid: lacking or marked by lack of intellectual acuity.

I have been carrying around proudly the sign that says “I am not with stupid anymore” for a while now. Until I recently realized that I met another stupid. The new sign says “I am not wasting my time with stupid number two anymore”.

But one question that hunts me: Was I the stupid in both cases or were they actually and genuinely the stupid ones? 

They say it takes two to tango or it takes two a pair of hands to make a clapping sound. If that is the case, than I must have done something that gave them the idea that it’s okay to do stupid things.  

It’s very easy to point fingers at one and another. You did this, didn’t do that, say to this, forgot that, took too long to reply to text, etc, etc.  But what were the things that I did wrong? Don’t get me wrong, I know in the heat of the moment we blame the other party, I do too. I also know, there are times when the guy is completely at fault. But once the storm clams down, we don’t see the things that we have done wrong and repeat the same mistakes again. My question to myself is, what have I done wrong that resulted into this?

A friend told me, since I am the girl, it’s alright for me not any effort, take things for granted, and have high expectation, don’t be so understanding even if its rain, snow, or even with a tsunami.  

This philosophy may work perfectly for some but I don’t think it will work well for me. I am also a strong believer of life isn’t always a bed of roses, butterflies, and sunshine. That’s why we always can’t do the things that we want to every time for everyone. Plus, I am workaholic with my academics. Anyone who uses gives school as much priority as I do is always on my good book. Despite all these believes I once took someone for granted and later on been the one that was taken for granted. Ms. Karma is vicious. I have been in both sides. Maybe that is why I try to have less expectation from other and over guarding myself.

However, I know having less expectation and being understanding is something that got taken advantage of recently. But I believe or think that was the start of a chain reaction of bad decisions from my side with stupid number two is the result from being mind-f—ked for two years (Yes I know run-out sentence, don’t have to laugh at me).  

I have been over drained emotionally from my last relationship. This resulted into me being over guarding myself, “trying to look cool” and putting absolutely no effort into anything. But everything is two way street.  Even friendship. I did not realize that what I was lacking from my side until much later. Was this when stupid number two started his stupidness? Or he was always stupid and took me a while to catch on? Am I the problem in both cases? Or men are just naturally indecisive jerks?

We can dissect our every single move, text, conversation, contact, etc, but we will never know where and when things started to go wrong. So is there any solution to this dilemma? How can I find out what I did wrong?

This reminds of a really bad Matthew McConaughey movie: Ghost of Girlfriends Past. The foundation of the movie is from some the classic Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. In a nutshell, he decides to visit all of his past girlfriends to determine what he did wrong.

I guess I will be never know what I have done wrong to be in the same position twice. Like I said, it takes two to tango. The only solution will be Connor Mead (Matthew McConaughey) did in the movie. Will I be actually doing it?  Yes, no, maybe....

I am Liesl

"I am sixteen, going on seventeen. I know I am naive; fellows I meet may tell I am sweet and wilingly I believe" - Sixteen going on Seventeen - The Sound of Music

I wish I was sixteen going on seventeen. Even though I’m much older this line still applies to me. I am pretty naive; tend to see the best in everyone, even all those evil fellows that I meet. These evil fellows tell me I’m sweet and I willingly believe. I have tendency to see the best in everyone and believing that everyone has the best intension in heart just like me. This have caused my heart a lot of pain.

They say treat others the way you want to be treated. If that is the case, why does it not apply to me?

The universe seems to have a strange sense of humour when it comes to me. Because the way I treat people does not reflect in the way some people treat me. I am not complaining. I know I’m blessed. I am pretty much the luckiest girl in the world. I got/get/ will-get pretty much everything and anything I ever wanted. Given that it did not come easy to me, worked very hard at it, but somehow it was mine. If I didn’t get it, it was usually followed by something better and awesome. I am living the dream of every twenty  something year old.

A friend told me last night “your life seems very exciting, I want in”.

Yes it is very exciting. No doubt about that. However, I have been really home-sick lately. It’s not like I am super close to my parents, but I guess having an extra body around is what I miss. It is mainly because of the way a fellow have been making me feel lately. My mom usually picks up on it and makes all my favourite food, and sister just watches all my crappy TV shows and movies with me without complaining.

After being in a relationship for 25% of my life (yes I calculated) then somehow had few fellows to talk to (don’t even know how but until my academic life took over towards the end of 2010) followed by living alone, and someone making feel crummy about certain decision I made this year through their actions, have taken a serious toll on me. (Please note: no I wasn’t talking to fellows at the same time. I’m not that girl. When one died out other picked up and vise-versa. And woah: run-out sentence alert!)

You must be wondering why I think I am Liesl von Trapp and the universe have strange sense of humour when it comes to me. That is because there are couple people in my life that I have treated them the way I would like them treat me. I took risk with them, respected them, believed what they told me, never questioned anything, had patience, was very understanding, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Nor did I have any unrealistic expectation from them. They both clearly knew and acknowledge the mindset I was in with them.

So like Liesl, I am naive and gave them the benefit of doubt. Willingly belived whatever they told me. And why does the universe have a strange sense of humour when it comes to me? It is because these two people don’t even know each other! Furthermore, somehow they both managed to put me in same situation and gave me the very same lousy feeling. Both once claimed “to have the best intention in their heart for me” and to "know me as person" before anything.

I know this post is personal and unlike my other post. No my intentions does not include pulling a Mark Zuckerberg move. Writing is my therapy. Just feel a little anxious and frustrated with my personal life. Not sure what I am doing wrong that I somehow managed to give same impression to two completely different people and gave them the audacity to put me in the same situation.

Honeslty, I just miss having someone to bother at 3 am because you can’t sleep, just doing something nice and romantic for someone just because you felt like it, and steal a kiss here and there. I miss having my very own Sir Lord of Cuteness AKA my Rolf.

This year is supposed to be a new with no strings from last follow me into this year. My tendency to give people the benifit of the doubt have allowed these strings to follow me into this year. And now I am not so happy about that. Someone have figuratively slapped me across the face via their actions and making me question myself. You have guessed right, that slap made me feel very rubbishy that resulted into this blog post.

So I have question for the universe in the words of Olive Penderghast from Easy A

"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want
John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a
lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting
outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air
because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie,
preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason.”

Just an update

Hi y’all,

I know a post have been long due. That is because I was fighting with Google.

So what happened in the 10 months?

University of Texas at Dallas is a little less cool because I am still in Toronto. I have decided to put the whole graduate school thing on hold for another year. I think I am only one who will be writing a letter to the Dean of Admissions stating that I am respectfully declining my admission offer without another better offer to another university. The reason being, I like the privileges and comfort my parents’ give me, and I want to work/intern somewhere before applying back to graduate school. Make my resume stronger.

I finally went to Saudi Arabia and it wasn’t so bad. The flight to Jeddah killed me. I mean I was sleep deprived from exams and the sits was very uncomfortable. And on top that creepy uncle set next to me (what a surprise, I mean do a have track record for attracting creeps). But in Jeddah I did not feel any of that “restriction” nonsense. I mean I am not allowed to go anywhere alone or without a car in Bangladesh. It  was pretty much the same but only better cause guys did not try to grab your ass as you walk down the streets. Wearing a burka wasn’t that bad either. I mean I went with a mentality, when in Rome do what the Romans do.

Umrah was a life changing experience. It was extremely spiritual, and never felt so at peace both mentally and physical while I was at Mecca. Things that I only heard about or read in religion classes actually exist. Highly recommend it to anyone who has the chance.

My sister got a cat. Her name is kitty (Yes how creative! I was voting for Fanta, but NO!).  But Kitty is the most adorable thing is the whole world. Follows you everywhere you go, even into the washroom. If you don’t let her in, she just sits in front of the door and screams (AKA meowing) until you let her in. So I guess I am a cat lover now. If you really know me, you must have heard about my theory that I have a thing for guys who have cats (every single guy that I dated since 14 has/had a cat – don’t ask! Weird coincidence) a billion times. So I can’t categories them as crazy cat people anymore. Cause I am one of them now!

I did the 30 days photo challenge on Facebook and was the only one among my friends to finish it! It is a lot harder than it looks. Finding memories that is specific to thats task is very hard.

Found Moksha Yoga and LOVE IT!!!

Few of my friends got married. Yes I really don’t understand this phase or whatever. People are busy getting married and I am just busy planning my career.

Trying something new: coloured contacts.

Still love Rob Pattinson.

I don’t drink Starbucks coffee every day or coffee for that matter. Yes I know what I surprise! That is because it is very inconvenient for me to get it on my way to school now. So all the Yorkies who thought I am a coffee addict see I AM NOT!

I actually went to a sport game! Yes me! Who doesn’t understand anything! Baseball, tennis, and basketball! But hey, it’s a great conversation starters with boys. "So please explain....."

Academic life still trumps social life. Still have been a lot kissing frogs. So let’s pray that both of this scenarios change this year. After all, it’s also a new decade.

Love love

Kiss kiss