I wish I was sixteen going on seventeen. Even though I’m much older this line still applies to me. I am pretty naive; tend to see the best in everyone, even all those evil fellows that I meet. These evil fellows tell me I’m sweet and I willingly believe. I have tendency to see the best in everyone and believing that everyone has the best intension in heart just like me. This have caused my heart a lot of pain.
They say treat others the way you want to be treated. If that is the case, why does it not apply to me?
The universe seems to have a strange sense of humour when it comes to me. Because the way I treat people does not reflect in the way some people treat me. I am not complaining. I know I’m blessed. I am pretty much the luckiest girl in the world. I got/get/ will-get pretty much everything and anything I ever wanted. Given that it did not come easy to me, worked very hard at it, but somehow it was mine. If I didn’t get it, it was usually followed by something better and awesome. I am living the dream of every twenty something year old.
A friend told me last night “your life seems very exciting, I want in”.
Yes it is very exciting. No doubt about that. However, I have been really home-sick lately. It’s not like I am super close to my parents, but I guess having an extra body around is what I miss. It is mainly because of the way a fellow have been making me feel lately. My mom usually picks up on it and makes all my favourite food, and sister just watches all my crappy TV shows and movies with me without complaining.
After being in a relationship for 25% of my life (yes I calculated) then somehow had few fellows to talk to (don’t even know how but until my academic life took over towards the end of 2010) followed by living alone, and someone making feel crummy about certain decision I made this year through their actions, have taken a serious toll on me. (Please note: no I wasn’t talking to fellows at the same time. I’m not that girl. When one died out other picked up and vise-versa. And woah: run-out sentence alert!)
You must be wondering why I think I am Liesl von Trapp and the universe have strange sense of humour when it comes to me. That is because there are couple people in my life that I have treated them the way I would like them treat me. I took risk with them, respected them, believed what they told me, never questioned anything, had patience, was very understanding, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. Nor did I have any unrealistic expectation from them. They both clearly knew and acknowledge the mindset I was in with them.
So like Liesl, I am naive and gave them the benefit of doubt. Willingly belived whatever they told me. And why does the universe have a strange sense of humour when it comes to me? It is because these two people don’t even know each other! Furthermore, somehow they both managed to put me in same situation and gave me the very same lousy feeling. Both once claimed “to have the best intention in their heart for me” and to "know me as person" before anything.
I know this post is personal and unlike my other post. No my intentions does not include pulling a Mark Zuckerberg move. Writing is my therapy. Just feel a little anxious and frustrated with my personal life. Not sure what I am doing wrong that I somehow managed to give same impression to two completely different people and gave them the audacity to put me in the same situation.
Honeslty, I just miss having someone to bother at 3 am because you can’t sleep, just doing something nice and romantic for someone just because you felt like it, and steal a kiss here and there. I miss having my very own Sir Lord of Cuteness AKA my Rolf.
This year is supposed to be a new with no strings from last follow me into this year. My tendency to give people the benifit of the doubt have allowed these strings to follow me into this year. And now I am not so happy about that. Someone have figuratively slapped me across the face via their actions and making me question myself. You have guessed right, that slap made me feel very rubbishy that resulted into this blog post.
So I have question for the universe in the words of Olive Penderghast from Easy A
"Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want
John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a
lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting
outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air
because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie,
preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason.”
i know if moses reads it he will get its him you are talking about but may i just say something, you have a gift for writing out how feel and even going about finding the right words that will spell out your feelings, don't ever let go of this. this is your best piece of writing ever, academic included though i never read all your academic essays.
ReplyDeletei know i'm not there, and when i was there, i required more support from you than being able to give you all the support i can. and now i know i am too far away to be there for you, but i want you to know that im here. anytime you feel you need to share, just do.
i know i am repeating myself here, but only you have control over how someone can make you feel, and right now feel proud that you allowed yourself to take a chance, you took another risk with your heart, you are not the person to sit and wonder "what if". you have a heart of gold because despite flaws in people, you seek out what's the best in them and you give them a shot, and when you care you give them your all. i know you would want that in return, because you can't just always give and give. after all you are human and not a mine or a reservoir, and they too run dry, but know something, that there is someone you fill reciprocate just the way you gave and fill you up with so much more that you will be flooded.
life isn't all roses and daisy and we both know that. these days optimism is what gets me going and it is what i can offer you right now. just never forget, the glass is always half full; every cloud does have a silver lining, ever dark storm clouds; and there is always light at the end of the tunnel, and if the tunnel is blocked, we always have hand, which are our tools that we can use to dig and climb out of anything.
there's a shakespeare quote right, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. so be furious and use that fire to create and not destroy.
it's still early in the morning and i am yet to have my caffeine hit, so maybe some of what i was trying to say doesn't make sense and i am also all women power today so i'm saying lots of things all jumbled up, but you must know that we or i know I do love you because you are the best friend a girl can ever ask for.
It's hard to change who you are, and I think you've just got to accept that whatever people do (or do not do) to you is their karma, and you shouldn't let it affect the amazing person you are.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we (women) should all start believing in saving ourselves. And maybe, we should hold boomboxes out side each other's windows in an act of sister hood. Maybe, because men (or very few) lack the mental and emotional capacity to understand how multi-faceted and unique we are, we should all join together and realize it in each other and ourselves.
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